Why I Didn’t Give My Mum Flowers for Mother’s Day
Here is a excerpt from the Mother’s Day message I gave to my mum:
Good parenting is often about good leadership. You are undoubtedly a fantastic leader, and by default, a brilliant mother; a sensitive role model and a generous friend.
In our world, women have to work three times (at least) as hard at balancing it all; raising children, looking after homes, having careers. They are often burdened with having to perform emotional labour for those around them, while always seeming available, amicable and ‘there to help’.
Instead of society making things easier for women, they give you flowers once a year on Mother’s Day to appease you as a meagre thanks, that is in no way proportionate to the amount of care, work and dedication you put into others. Being a parent is hard, but that’s not always recognised.
Not your typical Hallmark Mother’s Day card, I know.
The older I get and the closer to motherhood I become, the more critical I feel towards the way we treat mothers and carers. In the eighteenth century, particularly for the poor, children were seen as economic assets put to work to bring in additional income to the household. At the time high child mortality rates and lack of contraception meant that people had many children who they weren’t particularly attached to and struggled to care for. Since the end of the nineteenth century, however, we view parenthood as a virtuous sacrifice and a gift. Parenthood is in no doubt a gift, but the financial, mental, physical and social penalties put on mothers now put them at a structural disadvantage for providing one of the most vital services to our society.
In the UK, statutory maternity pay is just £172.48 per week (£689.92 per month) or 90% of the employee’s average weekly earnings, whichever is lower. Just to put this into perspective, Home Let Rental Index, asserts that the average rental price for a new tenancy in the UK is £1,175 per calendar month (PCM). As well as raising a whole human, there is also the added mental and financial worry of whether you can keep a roof over your head, or food on the table. This, compounded with the fact that historically, women earn less than their male counterparts, also demonstrates the additional financial burden being placed on mothers, working or otherwise.
Despite much of the UK’s economic wealth being built on the unpaid work and labour of m/others (and of course colonialism and the transatlantic slave trade but that’s for another blog), it remains undervalued and minimised within capitalist frameworks, so much so, that not only is child-rearing increasingly expensive, parents who try to juggle parenthood and work are financially penalised. According to a recent report by Nesta, a single parent earning the London living wage now has to spend about 80% of their post-tax income on childcare. Which is insane.
We often see mothers’ issues individualised and reduced simply to ungrateful children who don’t put their washing in the laundry basket, or the mild embarrassment of having a child pop on screen during a work zoom meetings, but us failing to see the structural issues that incessantly fail mothers and reproduce inequality, is a matter of life or death.
For example, institutional and medicalised racism has meant that black women in the UK are four times more likely to die in pregnancy and childbirth (MBRRace, 2021) and migrant women, such as refugees and asylum seekers, are being billed up to £14,000 for NHS maternity services - despite many of them being eligible for free NHS maternity care - preventing them from accessing basic and routine maternal care. We often don’t talk about the medical complications associated with pregnancy and childbirth on birthing people’s bodies and mental health - making it difficult to identify when things go wrong.
With all that context in mind, it feels weird for me to remain silent about the structural issues for women or those who raise children care and give flowers to the resilient, caring women around me, without also trying to make their lives better. So, in a very subtle act of rebellion, I decided not to give my mum or aunty flowers for mother’s day this year. Instead, I chose to give them gifts that they could use to pour into themselves, things that spark joy or offer a provocation for them to reflect on their relationship to sacrifice as mothers and women but I could be doing more.
Honestly, shout out to all the mums out there. From where I’m sitting, as a childless 20 something year old, the only gift that feels apt for mother’s day is protest. Rebellion. Rage. This Mother’s Day, show your mum that you love her by giving her the gift of systemic change.
Organisations, resources and causes you can support:
Any social justice work that centres the lives and experiences of mothers and birthing people will go along way to transforming the material experiences of mothers in our society. If you’re unsure of where to start, here are just a few resources that I hope you find useful:
FIVEXMORE
Five X More CIC hosts annual awareness weeks to highlight Black women and birthing people’s maternal health outcomes in the UK, they also create resources and educational materials about the disparities in maternal outcomes for Black women and birthing people. Download their report here.
Website: https://www.fivexmore.com/
DOULA ACCESS FUND
The Doula Access Fund provides free support during pregnancy, labour and after the birth of a baby to those experiencing disadvantage and financial hardship. Each applicant is referred to us by a health care professional, social worker or charitable partner.
Donate now and help them provide life-changing doula support.
PARLIAMENT PETITION - REVIEW OF CHILDCARE FUNDING
We want the Government to urgently review funding arrangements for childcare. Many nurseries struggling to survive at present, closures are on the increase, and we believe there is now insufficient childcare. Childcare is vital to supporting our economy, and urgent action is needed.
https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/628421
